Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said ‘I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids – I just don’t get it.’
‘Well’ said the big Croc ‘what have you been eating?’
‘Politicians same as you’ replied the small Croc.
‘Hmm. Well where do you catch them?’
‘On the other side of the river near the Parliament car park in Canberra.
‘Same here. Hmm…..How do you catch them?’ asked the big Croc.
‘Well I crawl up under one of their big Lexus BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out grab them by the leg shake the shit out of them and eat ‘em!’
‘Ah!’ says the big Crocodile ‘I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician there’s nothing much left but an arsehole with a briefcase.
I should Warne you, my cricket jokes know no boundaries.
What do Australia Post workers do when they’re mad?
They stamp their feet.
Yesterday I went to the supermarket to buy cabbage.
There’s a new law that if you buy cabbage from Coles, you’re legally required to purchase carrots and mayonnaise as well.
Its Coles Law.
Scott Morrison was doing a presser at a local Queensland Health-run hospital to sell his budget. As always he was looking for something to beat QH with to show how badly run and loss making things were in Labor-run health systems.
While ScoMo was checking the books he turned to the executive of the hospital and said I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the middle of the roll?””Good question” noted the executive. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while they send us a free roll. We recycle whenever possible.”
An Aussie, a little bloke, was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge, burly American guy walks in.
As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says,”That’s a karate chop from Korea.”
Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor.
“That’s a judo chop from Japan”, he says. The Aussie decides he’s had enough and leaves.
A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out.
The Aussie says to the bartender, “When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a crowbar from Bunnings.”
Daylight Shifting Time starts tonight down south, but I’m not losing sleep over it.
Last year in Queensland we moved the clock forward and it fell of the mantle.
The toilet paper rolled into Centrelink to get some help two-ply for a job at Kleenex.
But he had too many emotional tissues.