I called my friend Andy Derrierre, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later in his office Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly trough Alice Springs.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully but I didn’t really hear anything he said because my brain was shrieking ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17000 FEET UP YOUR ARSE!’
I left Andy’s office with some written instructions and a prescription for a product called ‘PicoPrep’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss PicoPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of Australia’s enemies.