A genuine joke from Queensland

It is well known that humour is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly Queenslander:

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery
(Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, “I’ll have a Tooheys New..”

To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, “I’ll have a Coopers, the King of Beers.”

And the bloke from Cascade asked for “a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet.”

The General Manager of Carlton & United paused a moment and then placed his order: “VB.”

The head of XXXX smiled and said “I’ll have a Diet Coke.”

The others looked at him has if he had sprouted a new head.

“Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you poofters aren’t drinking beer, then neither will I.”

onya Queensland!

Most of you will know that I have recently moved away from my beloved Queensland out west, to work for a pommie-based banking group out of Western Austraia. Although I’m trying my best, i still don’t get or understand AFL, but am pleasently suprised that they play real rugby (i.e. Union) out here.

On the topic of rugby, albeit League, soon it will be time for State of Origin, where Queensland will most likely whip NSW yet again for the third year in a row. Of course, who can forget our glorious victories at Lang Park, as well as in Sydney, over the past two years.

Even more, for our cockroach friends south of the border, due to our elite sporting (and possibly drinking) prowess we still keep our initial takeover offer (mirror) open. But do hurry, the tide of Victorians still keeps moving North, and we do need your help to keep AFL away from the state (even though we got rid of the Kangaroos) – and don’t forget, they’re going for West Sydney too

Why We Curse, Bloody Aye and Origin of the word Pom

I always wanted to find an fucking excuse for fucking swearing on my blog. And now thanks to digg I’ve fucking found one. There’s a great fucking article at TNR on Why We Curse, adding to the debate from a psycological and historical perspective. Fucking brilliant.

Here in Australia swearing is part of the national psyche, culture and language. Who can forget the Where The Bloody Hell Are You? tourism campaign (you can see the original uncensored advert online) that caused so much controversy across the world due to the use of the word Bloody (the word is standard language here and is not even a swear word)? It even got the advert banned in the UK, and the bloody Yanks tried to ban it, but in an act of pure bloody genius, Tourism Australia made the news headlines across the world with the advert and so got the advert played for free on all of the news channels, including the BBC.

Of course, Aussies thought this was hilarious and spoofed it themselves, as you can see here, on the Chasers’ War on the ABC, for the traditional Pom*-bashing when getting ready for the Ashes 2007 Series (btw … 5-0 … lol) and in a recent advert for Chicken Kiev where a young girl shows how she learned how to swear.

Of course we do have standards -its very rare you’ll hear the “c” word anywhere, but everywhere you go you will hear people refering to others as fuckwits or telling them to ga’an get facked mate.

* Pom is Australian for “English Person” and not a racist term, but part of the language. Much debate exists on its origin, but its commonly accepted to stand for “Prisoner of Her Majesty” or “Prisoner of Mass Origin”. But, to be honest, its more accurate just to say that its just an acronym for the full phrase Whinging Pommy Bastard.

Australian Citizenship Test II

and another one that I got sent, to follow on from yesterday

Application for Grant of Australian Citizenship

You must answer 75% (28 or more out of 37) of these questions correctly in order to qualify for Australian Citizenship

  1. How many slabs can you fit in the back of a Falcon Ute while also allowing room for your cattle dog?
  2. When packing an Esky do you put the ice, or the beer, in first?
  3. Is the traditional Aussie Christmas dinner:
    • At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, followed by a pudding you could use as a cannonball. Also ham. In 40C heat.
    • A seafood buffet followed by a barbie, with rather a lot of booze. And ham. In 40C heat.
    • Both of the above, one at lunchtime and one at dinnertime. Weather continues fine.
  4. How many beers in a slab?
  5. You call that a knife, this is a knife. True or False?
  6. Does yeah-nah mean:
    • “Yes and no”
    • “Maybe”
    • “Yes I understand but No I don’t agree”?
  7. The phrases “strewth” and “flamin’ dingo” can be attributed to which TV character?
    • Toadie from Neighbours
    • Alf from Home & Away
    • Agro from Agro’s Cartoon Connection
    • Sgt. Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers?
  8. When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages
    • Once or twice
    • As often as necessary to cook
    • After each stubby
    • Until charcoal?
  1. Name three of the Daddo brothers.
  2. Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC?
  3. Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon:
    • Drinking beer at a mate’s place
    • Drinking beer at the beach
    • Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy
    • Drinking beer at a mate’s place while watching the cricket before going to the beach?
  4. Would you eat pineapple on pizza? Would you eat egg on a pizza?
  5. How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from Australia to England?
  6. How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana travelling at 120km/h?
  7. Who are Scott and Charlene?
  8. How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie?
    • Squirt and spread with finger
    • Sauce injection straight into the middle?
  9. If the police raided your home would you:
    • Allow them to rummage through your personal items
    • Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain
    • Put a written complaint in to John Howard and hope that he answers it personally?
  10. Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking a yardie full of beer the fastest?
  11. Have you ever had/do you have a mullet?
  12. Thongs are:
  13. Skimpy underwear
  14. Casual footwear
  15. They’re called jandals, bro?
  16. On which Ashes tour did Warnie’s hair look the best?
    • 1993
    • 1997
    • 2001
    • 2005
  17. What someone is more likely to die of:
    • Red Back Spider
    • Great White Shark
    • Victorian Police Officer
    • King Brown Snake
    • Your missus after a big night
    • Dropbear?
  18. How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional four-burner barbie?
  19. Can you sing along to Cold Chisel’s Khe Sanh?
  20. Explain both the “follow-on” and “LBW” rules in cricket and discuss the pros and cons for the third umpire decisions in the latter….
  21. Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ.
  22. Who is current Australian test cricket captain:
    • Ricky Ponting
    • Don Bradman
    • John Howard
    • Makybe Diva?
  23. Is it best to chuck a sickie on:
    • When the cricket’s on
    • When the cricket’s on
    • When the cricket’s on?
  24. What animal is on the Bundaberg Rum bottle?
  25. What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer?
  26. What are Budgie smugglers?
  27. What brand and size of Esky will you be purchasing?
  28. Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice?
  29. A “Hoppoate” is:
      • A breed of kangaroo
    • A kind of Australian “wedgie”?
    • A disgraced Rugby League player?
    • What does having a ‘chunder’ mean?
    • When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing set?
    • What does the terminology ‘True Blue’ mean?

    For Office Use Only[] In[] Out[] Can Have Another Crack at it

    Australian Citizenship Test I

    Now that Australia has introduced a Citizenship Exam (presumably to stop freaks that refuse to adopt the local culture and way of life like this fuckwit) , there has been widespread public concern about what is being tested, especially as most Aussies have no bloody idea what most of the answers would be. More information can be found in the Government’s Official Guide, but prospective Australians should also be prepared for questions such as the following:

    1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term died in the arse?
    2. What is a bloody little beauty?
    3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
    4. Explain the following passage: In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo.
    5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
    6. Complete the following sentences:
      1. If the van’s rockin’ don’t bother ____ ?
      2. You’re going home in the back of a ____ ?
      3. Fair crack of the ____ ?
    7. I’ve had a gutful and I can’t be fagged. Discuss
    8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
    9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard ‘up on blocks’? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
    10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
    11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
    12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
    13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?
    14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else’s beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?
    15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people’s meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
    16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter ‘b’ is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?
    17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
    18. Is it possible to ‘prang a car’ while doing ‘circle work’?
    19. Who would you like to crack on to?
    20. Who is the most Australian:
      1. Kevin ‘Bloody’ Wilson
      2. John ‘True Blue’ Williamson
      3. Kylie Minogue, or
      4. Warnie?
    21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
    22. What does sinkin piss at a mates joint and getten para mean?

    We Wish England Was Australia…

    Australian Culture at its finest, on the road to the upcoming Rugby World Cup. Our local rum-maker, Bundaberg Rum, has come up with an advert with a load of English People wishing that England was Australia. And, of course, its Pom-Bashing at its finest. 😀

    Although Duncan MacLeod, on his TV adverts site, notes that the tune is sung to that of Jupiter, from the Planets Suite by Holst; English fans will also remember that it was also the Theme Tune to the 1999 Rugby World Cup broadcast on ITV, as well as many other World Cups; surely there is the implcit meaning in there that the Wallabies will totally whip the Poms on the field?