A genuine joke from Queensland

It is well known that humour is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly Queenslander:

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery
(Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, “I’ll have a Tooheys New..”

To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, “I’ll have a Coopers, the King of Beers.”

And the bloke from Cascade asked for “a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet.”

The General Manager of Carlton & United paused a moment and then placed his order: “VB.”

The head of XXXX smiled and said “I’ll have a Diet Coke.”

The others looked at him has if he had sprouted a new head.

“Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you poofters aren’t drinking beer, then neither will I.”

Financial Advice

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95, with HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50, £1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5, but if you bought £1000 worth of Kronenbourg 1664 Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214. So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.

hmmm … you heard the man … but i would qualify this by recommending Guinness instead of Kronenbourg  … because the cans have higher aluminium content and the beer is so much better.


Air Hostess

A chap, sitting in Harry’s Bar at Singapore’s Changi Airport, noticed a very beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, “Wow, she’s so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. I wonder which airline she works for?

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Singapore Airlines slogan: “Singapore Girl, you’re a great way to fly?”

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, “Oh crap, she obviously doesn’t work for Singas”

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, “The spirit of the South?”

She gave him the same confused look.

He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Lan Chile off the List. Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: “Smooth as silk?”

This time the woman turned on him. “Exactly what the f**k do you want?”

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said, “Ahhhhh, Qantas!”

Christmas Cookie Recipe

It’s never too early for Christmas cookies.

Christmas cookie recipe worth sharing….

  • 1 cup of water
  • 1 tsp. baking soda
  • 1 cup of sugar
  • 1 tsp. salt
  • 1 cup of brown sugar
  • lemon juice
  • 4 large eggs
  • 1 cup nuts
  • 2 cups of dried fruit
  • 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer…Beat one cup of butter in a large bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar…Beat

At this point it’s best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup . just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the f*****g fruit off floor…..by the way, that is your excreise for the day, so yuo dont havee to w;lak .

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver or whatever you have hndy in the ktihchen.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. If soemtihng fallls on the flor, calll the dog to hlep with the claenupp.

Check the Jose Cuervo.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

So the cows DO get confused by Daylight Savings Time!

Well, a few days ago I had a little rant about Daylight Savings Time in SE Queensland and how I couldn’t believe that some people in the Outback thought that the cows would get confused if we changed the clocks for some parts of the year.

Well, I was wrong. The Gold Coast Bulletin’s online editor pointed me in the direction of the report, so I could check it out. You can download the 273-page (erm … I should mention its actually 273-slides) report that the jurno referred to. Search for the word confuse and we actually do get 3 hits:

  • p80: Not suited to farming sector (e.g. milking cows; confuses livestock)
  • p199: Does not suit farmers/rural sector (confuses animals/ milking times)
  • p201: Does not suit farmers/rural sector (confuses animals/ milking times) (5% compared to nil).

And in each of those tables, if you do the maths, you can see that its more than just one or two respondents who actually believe the cows would get confused if the clocks went back or forward an hour.

Not really sure what to say … so I’ll just say that I am currently ROTFLMAO*!!!

*  and I do wish that someone would tell these Americans
   how to spell the word arse properly.

It didn’t take long …

… for those whining Poms to gloat non-stop about their miraculous effort in the Rugby World Cup. Well, miraculous if you count Johnny Boy kicking, rather than the whole team actually playing rugby, as something to be proud of. The game is turning into a bloody farce, much like aerial ping-pong. 😛

Anyway, it didn’t take long for the jokes to start circulating around the internet. Of course, we’ve all seen the “Aussie Whine” recycled from four years ago, and the shot of the Aussie player on his knee bowing to the Pommy one; both are not so funny. But I was amused … for about 5 seconds … by the one-liners:

  • Sales of condoms in Australia plummeted over the weekend when the England Rugby squad proved that to f#ck fifteen Aussies you only need one Johnny…
  • What do you call a Kiwi in the World Cup final? A Referee
  • What do you call an Aussie in the World Cup Final? A linesman.
  • France to meet England at the Stade de France. New Zealand to meet Australia at terminal two at Charles de Gaule.
  • The difference between a tea bag and an All Black? A tea bag stays in the cup for longer.

Ah well, let them gloat. I mean, its not often they win anything do they. Look at the football and cricket teams for example. 🙂

And in any case South Africa will totally kick their @rses like a few weeks ago, when they destroyed them 36-0. The England strip for the finals will be as follows:


Australian Citizenship Test II

and another one that I got sent, to follow on from yesterday

Application for Grant of Australian Citizenship

You must answer 75% (28 or more out of 37) of these questions correctly in order to qualify for Australian Citizenship

  1. How many slabs can you fit in the back of a Falcon Ute while also allowing room for your cattle dog?
  2. When packing an Esky do you put the ice, or the beer, in first?
  3. Is the traditional Aussie Christmas dinner:
    • At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, followed by a pudding you could use as a cannonball. Also ham. In 40C heat.
    • A seafood buffet followed by a barbie, with rather a lot of booze. And ham. In 40C heat.
    • Both of the above, one at lunchtime and one at dinnertime. Weather continues fine.
  4. How many beers in a slab?
  5. You call that a knife, this is a knife. True or False?
  6. Does yeah-nah mean:
    • “Yes and no”
    • “Maybe”
    • “Yes I understand but No I don’t agree”?
  7. The phrases “strewth” and “flamin’ dingo” can be attributed to which TV character?
    • Toadie from Neighbours
    • Alf from Home & Away
    • Agro from Agro’s Cartoon Connection
    • Sgt. Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers?
  8. When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages
    • Once or twice
    • As often as necessary to cook
    • After each stubby
    • Until charcoal?
  1. Name three of the Daddo brothers.
  2. Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC?
  3. Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon:
    • Drinking beer at a mate’s place
    • Drinking beer at the beach
    • Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy
    • Drinking beer at a mate’s place while watching the cricket before going to the beach?
  4. Would you eat pineapple on pizza? Would you eat egg on a pizza?
  5. How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from Australia to England?
  6. How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana travelling at 120km/h?
  7. Who are Scott and Charlene?
  8. How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie?
    • Squirt and spread with finger
    • Sauce injection straight into the middle?
  9. If the police raided your home would you:
    • Allow them to rummage through your personal items
    • Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain
    • Put a written complaint in to John Howard and hope that he answers it personally?
  10. Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking a yardie full of beer the fastest?
  11. Have you ever had/do you have a mullet?
  12. Thongs are:
  13. Skimpy underwear
  14. Casual footwear
  15. They’re called jandals, bro?
  16. On which Ashes tour did Warnie’s hair look the best?
    • 1993
    • 1997
    • 2001
    • 2005
  17. What someone is more likely to die of:
    • Red Back Spider
    • Great White Shark
    • Victorian Police Officer
    • King Brown Snake
    • Your missus after a big night
    • Dropbear?
  18. How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional four-burner barbie?
  19. Can you sing along to Cold Chisel’s Khe Sanh?
  20. Explain both the “follow-on” and “LBW” rules in cricket and discuss the pros and cons for the third umpire decisions in the latter….
  21. Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ.
  22. Who is current Australian test cricket captain:
    • Ricky Ponting
    • Don Bradman
    • John Howard
    • Makybe Diva?
  23. Is it best to chuck a sickie on:
    • When the cricket’s on
    • When the cricket’s on
    • When the cricket’s on?
  24. What animal is on the Bundaberg Rum bottle?
  25. What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer?
  26. What are Budgie smugglers?
  27. What brand and size of Esky will you be purchasing?
  28. Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice?
  29. A “Hoppoate” is:
      • A breed of kangaroo
    • A kind of Australian “wedgie”?
    • A disgraced Rugby League player?
    • What does having a ‘chunder’ mean?
    • When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing set?
    • What does the terminology ‘True Blue’ mean?

    For Office Use Only[] In[] Out[] Can Have Another Crack at it

    Chasers War on Sydney APEC Security: The Video

    It was aired last night on the ABC. Media reports say that over 2.3 million people watched it last night, just in the Capital Cities alone. Which, I find amazing given that this is over 10% of the Australian population, and Wednesday evenings are usually reserved for the pub quiz or a barbie.

    Those of you in Australia can download the full episode from the ABC, those internationally can find a higher-quality video, and those who are too lazy can just see it below.