- You know the meaning of the word “girt”.
- You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
- You think it’s normal to have a leader called Kevin.
- You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
- You’ve made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.
- You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son’s pencil case when he first attends school.
- When you hear that an American “roots for his team” you wonder how often and with whom.
- You understand that the phrase “a group of women wearing black thongs” refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
- You pronounce Melbourne as “Mel-bin”.
- You pronounce Penrith as “Pen-riff”.
- You believe the “l” in the word ” Australia ” is optional.
- You can translate: “Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas..”
- You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
- You call your best friend “a total bastard” but someone you really, truly despise is just “a bit of a bastard”.
- You think “Woolloomooloo” is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
- You’re secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
- You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that’s twice as big as its $2 coin.
- You understand that “Wagga Wagga” can be abbreviated to “Wagga” but “Woy Woy” can’t be called “Woy”.
- You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.
- You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
- Hamburger Beetroot. Of course.
- You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels’ song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.
- You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
- You still don’t get why the “Labor” in “Australian Labor Party” is not spelt with a “u”.
- You wear ugh boots outside the house.
- You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
- You believe that the more you shorten someone’s name the more you like them.
- Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
- You understand that “excuse me” can sound rude, while “scuse me” is always polite.
- You know what it’s like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
- You understand that “you” has a plural and that it’s “youse”.
- You know it’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
- Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
- You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call “Anzac cookies”.
- You still think of Kylie as “that girl off Neighbours”.
- When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs – just in case you’re trying to sneak in fruit.
- You believe the phrase “smart casual” refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
- You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
- When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
- You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.
- You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government’s new test for migrants.
- You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says “cobber”.
- And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.
from the Sydney Morning Herald , Australia Day 2008.