A genuine joke from Queensland

It is well known that humour is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly Queenslander:

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery
(Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, “I’ll have a Tooheys New..”

To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, “I’ll have a Coopers, the King of Beers.”

And the bloke from Cascade asked for “a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet.”

The General Manager of Carlton & United paused a moment and then placed his order: “VB.”

The head of XXXX smiled and said “I’ll have a Diet Coke.”

The others looked at him has if he had sprouted a new head.

“Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you poofters aren’t drinking beer, then neither will I.”

Financial Advice

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95, with HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50, £1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5, but if you bought £1000 worth of Kronenbourg 1664 Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214. So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.

hmmm … you heard the man … but i would qualify this by recommending Guinness instead of Kronenbourg  … because the cans have higher aluminium content and the beer is so much better.

🙂

Air Hostess

A chap, sitting in Harry’s Bar at Singapore’s Changi Airport, noticed a very beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, “Wow, she’s so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. I wonder which airline she works for?

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Singapore Airlines slogan: “Singapore Girl, you’re a great way to fly?”

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, “Oh crap, she obviously doesn’t work for Singas”

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, “The spirit of the South?”

She gave him the same confused look.

He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Lan Chile off the List. Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: “Smooth as silk?”

This time the woman turned on him. “Exactly what the f**k do you want?”

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said, “Ahhhhh, Qantas!”

Christmas Cookie Recipe

It’s never too early for Christmas cookies.

Christmas cookie recipe worth sharing….

  • 1 cup of water
  • 1 tsp. baking soda
  • 1 cup of sugar
  • 1 tsp. salt
  • 1 cup of brown sugar
  • lemon juice
  • 4 large eggs
  • 1 cup nuts
  • 2 cups of dried fruit
  • 1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer…Beat one cup of butter in a large bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar…Beat
again.

At this point it’s best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup . just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the f*****g fruit off floor…..by the way, that is your excreise for the day, so yuo dont havee to w;lak .

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver or whatever you have hndy in the ktihchen.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. If soemtihng fallls on the flor, calll the dog to hlep with the claenupp.

Check the Jose Cuervo.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS!!!

So the cows DO get confused by Daylight Savings Time!

Well, a few days ago I had a little rant about Daylight Savings Time in SE Queensland and how I couldn’t believe that some people in the Outback thought that the cows would get confused if we changed the clocks for some parts of the year.

Well, I was wrong. The Gold Coast Bulletin’s online editor pointed me in the direction of the report, so I could check it out. You can download the 273-page (erm … I should mention its actually 273-slides) report that the jurno referred to. Search for the word confuse and we actually do get 3 hits:

  • p80: Not suited to farming sector (e.g. milking cows; confuses livestock)
  • p199: Does not suit farmers/rural sector (confuses animals/ milking times)
  • p201: Does not suit farmers/rural sector (confuses animals/ milking times) (5% compared to nil).

And in each of those tables, if you do the maths, you can see that its more than just one or two respondents who actually believe the cows would get confused if the clocks went back or forward an hour.

Not really sure what to say … so I’ll just say that I am currently ROTFLMAO*!!!

*  and I do wish that someone would tell these Americans
   how to spell the word arse properly.